In January, my pastor did a series on Spiritual Warfare. One of the things he talked about was that the struggles of this world are ever present and relentless. We must be persistent to overcome and not fall into the traps set before us. One of the main goals of satan is to steal our testimonies. I will not give mine up.

When I first started on this journey, I went through some mental exercises. I knew if I didn't have my head together I would not be able to do this. I took baby steps with my exercise and my eating. I wanted to give up sugar and I knew I could not do it overnight. That's where I am today. Taking baby steps. Taking some time to evaluate things. I have a 360 blog and I have been chatting with some people that are members of AA or NA about addictions. I am really examining my relationship with food. I read this somewhere and it really boils down to this simple statement - "if hunger is not the problem, then food is not the solution." Nail biting is not the solution either. I looked at my fingers one day and wanted to cry. After over a year of growing my nails, I now have none. The nail biting was a big eye opener. I know that has always been a nervous habit for me. When things are going on inside and I am not dealing with them as I should, I bite my nails. So I have started over. I am not really thinking about a weight loss right now. I am still eating pretty much like I have been - grilling meats, eating fruits and veggies. My nut fast is still holding. I am still weighing everyday. I just can't get the scale to get back under 200 right now. Not until I get back in full gear with exercise will I be able to do that and stay there this time.

There are things that give me hope. Things like I have adhered to my no sugar for three years now, my nut fast is still holding, I am still weighing everyday, even my fight with the exercise. I think back to 1999 when I lost the weight before and I gained it all back. There was no struggle with exercise. I quit and never looked back. Even with the food, I started eating whatever I wanted with no thought to my weight. It's been 3 years and almost 1 month since I started my weight loss journey and change of WOL/WOE. There will always be stumbling blocks and I will never be perfect in this or anything in my life for that matter, but by the grace of God, I'm stronger now!!!

I posted this in another journal and I am sharing it here too.

Kirk Franklin has a collection of songs called Songs for the Storm. Most of the songs have been previously released, but one song is new and one of the most inspirational songs I have heard in a long time. "Look at Me Now" has become yet another one of my life's theme songs. If I thought we could praise dance to this song without falling out, I would love to do this song. It's a very fast beat song and has become my wake up song for the day. There is one line that says "Tired of runnin', tired of hurtin', even got tired of me ". The "even got tired of me" says it all.  I get in my way more than anything and yes I have gotten tired of myself on occasion. Then it says " How can I complain 'bout the pain I went through cause it grew me". WOW! I have been through many things in my life and yes all things work for my good. Those things have shaped me into the person I am today - "I'm stronger now! I'm patient now! I'm grateful now!". I could pick apart each verse and every word, but why don't I just share the lyrics.

Look at Me Now!!

• Persecuted, criticized, been denied and abandoned
• Pushed away, given away, some days I couldn't imagine
• Getting harder, getting colder, was hard for me to see
• Tired of runnin', tired of hurtin', even got tired of me
• Tired of cryin', tired of tryin' to forget my mistakes
• Tired of bein' in this storm, how much more can I take
• Many nights in my life, tell me why
• I shed more tears, my eyes would allow
• And after all that
•  
• Look at me now!
• I'm stronger this time around!
• Not because I was so good, but somehow
• You looked past where I was
• And you knew I'd come through cause You loved me
• Look at me know!
• So many didn't make it through
• That's why this heart belongs to only You!
• How can I complain 'bout the pain I went through
• Cause it grew me
• Look at me now!
• Had no hope, had no future, even too hard to dream
• No one told me, ?boy, you can be whatever you want to be?
• Then You saved me and You gave me reason to breathe again
• Not perfect, ya'll, but I'm gon' run 'til I make it to the end
• (It ain't easy when your life's filled with wounds that won't heal)
• And you fight through the lies trying to find what's for real
• Everyone wants the prize but they can't stand the pain
• The strength I needed it came that night I cried out Your name
• To my people in the struggle, all my soldiers and believers
• To my survivors of Rita, Katrina and even FEMA
• (All things are working together for our good)
• Look at me now!
• I'm stronger this time around!
• Not because I was so good, but somehow
• You looked past where I was
• And you knew I'd come through cause You loved me
• Look at me know!
• So many didn't make it through
• That's why this heart belongs to only You!
• How can I complain 'bout the pain I went through
• Cause it grew me
• Look at me now!
• Yes, I've seen some hard times
• Some bad choices that I've made fell back on me
• But now it's time to move on, move on
• Can't let my past hold down my destiny
• And even though I don't always know
• Why you allow the night to last so long
• But when I see the sunlight
• It was only to make me strong
• Look at me...
• Look at me...
• Look at me...
• Look at me, look at me
• I'm better now! I'm closer now!
• I'm thankful now! I'm happy now!
• Look at me! Look at me!
• I'm stronger now! I'm patient now!
• I'm grateful now! I'll praise you now!
• Look at me! Look at me!